Saturday, October 28, 2006

What does God want from me?

After my former husband was arrested, for a long time the pain was so intense, I did well to get out of bed everyday. Then after a while I started to feel guilty because everything was pretty much about me and my kids. Every prayer I had was something along the lines of "Oh God, HELP ME!" I felt like I should have been giving to the poor or volunteering at soup kitchens. In reality, I was still doing well to get out of bed! Then my Sunday school teacher was teaching from Revelation, about what God wanted from the different churches. God chastised them all for something they were or weren't doing, except for the church in Smyrna. That church was being persecuted and going through a really rough time. The only thing God had for them was encouragement and a promise to those who overcome. I knew then after reading that portion of Revelation, that what God wanted for me at that time, in that season of my life was simply to persevere and overcome. I didn't quite understand at that time just how much there was for me to persevere, but things got a lot worse before they got better. I was so thankful that God gave me permission to do nothing else for a while but to heal and help my children heal.

I was talking to my sister on the phone the other day. She's older than I am by about 9 years. She's always been the one with it all together. Or at least, she's able to give the appearance of having it all together. Apparently she doesn't. She had a laundry list of high drama situations she was dealing with in her life, including being separated from her husband. I offered to do anything I could to help, and she said just listening was enough. When I got off the phone, it occured to me how calm my life is right now. Since the divorce was final in early October, I haven't heard from my ex husband at all. It's been so nice. That was a huge source of stress that now is gone. There was the stress of the training class, but I recognize my own responsibility for the drama in my life and know I put a lot of that stress there myself. The on the job training is stressful, but you know what, I can leave that all at work. It does not effect me when I go home. Working nights is stressful, but that's just how life is, I'm at least 20 people down the totem pole from being able to get on day shift, so why let it bug me? There's kid stress - that one was mean to this one, this one won't get his clothes out for the morning, and the other one seems to have lost all of this one's school shirts. Ok maybe it's not totally normal kid stuff, but it is just kid stuff. So, wow, things are relatively drama free. And then I realized, you know, I feel good. I'm happy. My kids are happy. Life is good. I am blessed. We have persevered and overcome!

That's not the end of the story though! I have persevered and overcome, but... all this non-drama is boring. Being a Christian should NOT be boring! So now I'm praying - What next Lord? What do you want me to do? It's a tough and scary prayer, to pray for God's will and not mine. But that's what I'm praying for tonight. It's time for me to give back. Pray for me please as I seek Him.

And now I want to share the words to this song I have running through my head:

Look what You've done, by Tree63

Look what You've done for me
Your blood has set me free
Jesus my Lord look what You've done for me

I haven't been the same
Ever since that day I called Your name
Yahweh Look What You've done for me

What can I do for You my Lord?
I want You to know my heart is Yours
It's not a question of what You can do for me
But what can I do for You my Lord?

Up to Your cross I crawled
Now I am standing teen feet tall
Jesus my saviour look what You've done for me

Free at last I'm free
I owe You my life completely
Yahweh look what You've done for me


Gabrielle said...

Sometimes I feel that I was "helping" God by doing something by myself, but then I realized that God never needs my help. That after I failed and shattered.

Thanks for encouraging me today, Connie. I'd remember you in my prayer, too.


Jammy said...

Praying here, Connie. I'm so glad things are looking up!


Brenda said...

You're so right. It is a tough and scary prayer. Why is it harder to trust Him in the good times than in the bad times? I don't know the answer to that, but I think it's true for all of us. Praying for you!

Pamela said...

Connie, I found your post so real and uplifting too. You have risen above it, and I will pray that you get a day shift as soon as possible. Working nights is tough. I love that you have an open dialic with your kids, as in your previous post. lol
Hang in there and you are doing a great job! :)

Erna said...

God is good! I love looking toward the Lord for what He desires . . . scary, yes! A blessing, indeed! As I read your post I was reminded of our pastor sharing a few weeks ago about the stories of the widows in the OT. One that made bread for Elijah and the other who filled her jars with oil b/c of Elisha's direction. The pastor ended the sermon with, "What do you have to give?" It has been on my mind a lot. I may not have a huge ministry (well, parenting is a huge ministry) but there are small things that have been brought to the surface that I can do. Even if it's small, it's a start. :0) I look forward to seeing what doors the Lord opens for you as you seek His will for your life.