Friday, December 08, 2006

God's best

It may be cliché to say it, but God sure does work in mysterious ways.

Almost 3 years ago, right before my ex-husband was arrested, I found out my first husband (I refer to him as BH, short for ummm, Butthead, which sadly, was my nickname for him when we were married. Don't worry, his nickname for me was worse. Gee, such a surprise that marriage failed...) was getting remarried. That part didn't bother me. At all. I was happy for them. But then shortly after their wedding, the news broke that she was pregnant. This hit me HARD. Not because I wanted him back, oh heavens NO! She could have him! The thing that bothered me was that my family had fallen apart (or so I thought at the time) and his was growing and happy. I had just lost a husband and two stepsons, and he gained 3 stepkids and a pregnant wife. And they seemed to have and be doing all the things I couldn't convince him to do or get while we were married. But I played the adult and suffered in silence, only asking God how He could do that right then. Why was my nose being rubbed in it? This all happened in July, right around the time I found out some new information regarding what my ex-husband put my daughter through. That was the time when my depression and anger were probably at their worst - in fact, it was around that time that thoughts of causing an accident that I hoped would be fatal (for me) crossed my mind once or twice. Fortunately it was pretty easy to see that knowing my luck, it wouldn't be fatal and things would suck worse afterward. So I guess I wasn't *that* depressed.

Now let me say, I have to admit that that marriage failing was 90% my fault. I could give you all the reasons, but suffice it to say that I was irresponsible in a lot of ways. He was too. We ALWAYS had money problems, and I resented him for it. I resented that after almost 10 years of marriage he was still working the same dead end job that he hated, and was not making any more per year than when we got married. He had no desire to make things better at all. I resented that everytime a financial problem came along, he ran to his mother to bail him out. And his mother did.

I'm not saying it's bad to need help now and then. I've had to rely on being helped a lot, especially after my husband's arrest. I'm not ashamed to admit when I can't do something by myself. What I am saying is that eventually people need to learn to accept their own responsibility for the self made messes in their lives, and quit expecting other people to fix it for them. And they need to learn how to avoid making those mistakes that caused the mess in the first place.

Well, sometimes when you don't learn a lesson the first time, you gotta go back and repeat the lesson until you get it.

Time went on and the jealousy of their new family faded, I got my job and got wrapped up in that and taking care of my kids, and things have settled down nicely.

Today though, my daughter told me that her step mother called to tell her that they were once again struggling financially, and Christmas was going to be lean. DQ even mentioned somethin about the possibility of them losing their house. I felt and feel badly about that, although I can't say I'm surprised.

As I thought of their situation, I remembered that jealousy for the first time in a very long time. And I could almost hear God saying "See? You felt jealous and wondered how I could do that then. I didn't do it, they did it without Me. But you didn't need to feel that way, I had you the whole time. That was never My best for you." Wow.

And as I've been thinking and praying for their situation, I know God's got them too. He never promised things would be easy and bad things wouldn't happen. I know first hand bad things happen even when it's not the result of our own mess making. But I also know first hand that God works ALL things together for the good of those who love Him. Even the things that hurt. And even the messes we make ourselves. He wants to give us more than good though. He wants us to have His BEST.


Rebekah said...

I have been through these same feelings and I am always amazed at God's outcome and how He continues to bless me.

Erna said...

I really appreciated your closing thoughts. God does know what's best. :0)

Janean said...

Oh, WOW, indeed!
I know I've had to learn LOTSA lessons more than once.
Right with ya', my friend.
"God can redeem everything".

Julie Julie Bo Boolie said...

I think every life has it's ups and downs but it's how we deal with those curveballs that really defines us as human beings.