Sunday, September 09, 2007

Look what I made and some other randomness

I'm pretty pleased with how it came out, considering I was really just playing around when I made it.

I know it's been a while since I've posted anything significant. I'm in one of those phases where most of what I have to say would like come out sounding shrill and not fun to read. I'm in a "I hate my job" phase and trying to figure out if God is telling me it's time to move on or I need to let God change my attitude and persevere. I know for a fact that He gave me this job, and until recently, I was really really sure it was where He wanted me to be. I've never been sure it was where He wanted me to stay though. I don't know whether it's something He gave me to get me back on my feet and give me confidence I could provide for my kids, or something He meant for me to do for the rest of forever. The thing is, working for 911 has changed me. I am no longer naive about how crazy/ignorant/mean/dishonest/deviant people can be, and I liked it better when I was blissfully unaware. At work I find myself making judgments in the first few seconds of a call based on the callers voice and word choices, and those judgments have a lot do with how much I'm going to care about what they have to say. When I'm not at work, I find myself just wanting to avoid the general population because I think what I hear on the phone is real life. Those one or two calls a night where I genuinely help someone used to be enough to feel that it was worth while. Now it seems like those are so few and far between, that the verbal abuse and general stupidity weighs more heavily on me than the feeling of doing good. My trainee and I were called the F word more times last night than I can even count.

Yes, I need a vacation! And I've got one coming up in less than 3 weeks! Two weeks! I'm really looking forward to maybe not being overwhelmed with fatigue for a little while. I'm also praying about it, because I got the crazy thought in my head that maybe I can pursue and old dream that I gave up a few years ago. When I moved out here, I dreamed of becoming a home birth midwife. In Ohio that kind of thing wasn't exactly legal, but it is here in AZ, and my ex-husband promised me he'd help me achieve that goal. Well, it was just another promise he didn't keep and when we were together, I couldn't do it without his help (because I didn't have my own money to pay for the training.) Then when he was arrested, I didn't see a way possible since my kids needed to eat and taking the time out to go to school wasn't going to work. But now, I think it's something I can do. I can afford it, I might even be able to get my tuition paid for through my job, and I can study at work between calls. The time I would have to serve as an apprentice might be a little difficult, but I can prepare for that and probably make it work. So if you feel like it, would you pray for me about this? I think the world would be a much nicer place for me if I could surround myself with the hope of new life.

Could you also pray for my 7 year old? He's struggling a little bit with understanding things with his dad. He said to me that he doesn't understand what's so bad about what his dad did that would cause him to be sentenced to such a long time in jail (30 years.) How do you explain something like that to a 7 year old without destroying their innocence? I don't think you can. I told him there were just some things he wouldn't understand until he was older, but I can tell that frustrated him even more.

I'll close with something from the slightly amusing kidstuff file - 7 year old Snugglebutt had a run-in with a thorn bush at school last week. It caught him on the back of the head, I'm not exactly sure how, and he bled quite a bit. When he got home he said to me "I don't even know why they have that thorn bush there, don't they know it's a child safety issue?!"

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HotRodHanna said...

I know what you mean about thinking everyone except your immediate friends and family are either complete idiots or evil plotting criminals. Intelligent people seem to be the exception, not the norm. I'll be praying for your son, that must be hard on him.

Brenda said...

I'll be praying, Connie.

Rebekah said...

I'll be praying that God will give you the words. Cute comment at the end

Erna said...

Smart kid . . . child safety issue! :0)

Beautiful bracelet. Wow! You have talent!

Home birth midwife . . . amazing! I will be praying for you in this. How neat that the job God provided for you would give you the opportunity and funds to achieve a goal. I pray that His Will will become clear for you.

Blessings . . .

Janean said...

You know I'm praying!!
Child safety issue...Hee Hee.

My two youngest still don't know why my ex is in jail. I told them he hurt someone very badly and that's against the law.

They just don't realize who or how.

Gorgeous bracelet!