3 years later, I want so much to put it all into a box, categorize and catalogue everything about the whole ordeal; who we both were at the time, what was wrong with us that caused this to happen, and the end result. And then I want to put that box away and never open it again. But life doesn't work that way. Just when I think I've got something figured out, and filed away in my neat little box, life reminds me just how messy it is. My box falls down off the shelf and everything spills out again.This year, things are much different. I don't feel that way anymore. I don't need to make it go away or put it in a box, because it's over. This year I won't be acknowledging the pain, because it's healed. This year I'll just be celebrating, because God is SO good and has brought us through in such an amazing way. I'm FREE. Free from the manipulation that was present in the marriage, and free from so much of junk that was in my life before. God has healed way more than the hurt of my husband's betrayal.
Some people will not be able to understand this, but I'm convinced the only reason I'm doing as well as I am is because I have totally forgiven my ex-husband. There is no anger or hatred in me anymore over what he did. I'll even tell you that we have limited contact, and we're on good terms. He doesn't have contact with any of my kids, including the one that is his, and I don't know if that will happen anytime soon, but we write to each other once a month.
Now, just to be clear, I feel totally healed, but I'm not going to sit here and tell you my daughter is totally healed. She's doing extremely well, but I think she's probably not going to be fully healed until she's an adult and can process it all. I'm not assuming my son is healed from abruptly losing his father and 2 half brothers either, but he's doing well too.
FOR ME, there is no more anger, no more hurt, no more mourning. Just freedom. And I'm celebrating it.